reflecting on twenty seventeen


“It has been the year of hurting so bad and living so good... learning mint chocolate chip ice cream will fix just about everything. And for the pains it can’t there will always be my mother’s arms."

- Rupi Kaur

i finished reading The Sun and Her Flowers this week and on the day i read this, i happened to be experiencing a rather emotional day. i read those lines a few times before they started to seep into my skin.

it really has been the year of hurting so bad and living so good. i have experienced such personal growth this year. i have accomplished so many goals and i’ve gotten to know my heart in such deep ways. i started to crack down on the people and things i let close to me. you never know just how much an influence - positive or negative - someone or something has on your life until you remove it. i’ve become highly protective of the space around me and in doing so, it's enabled the brightest of lights to shine in. 

i’ve also come to such a great awareness and understanding of my purpose. i now know i was created to be more than just another human that only takes from this world. and once you discover your purpose, everything in your life shifts. days don’t just feel like another chance at getting to the grocery store before it closes or showing off your new pair of shoes. they actually mean something. they feel like the greatest of blessings and just the awareness of knowing you were afforded such a gift makes you not want to waste a single second of those 24 hours.

but still, in all of my personal growth and accomplishments, there has been an immense amount of pain. i am the type of person that suppresses any emotion that is not anger. i am known to be a hot head. someone who reacts before hearing the whole story or problem through. in all of my years i have yet to figure out just how to control it or even lessen the intensity of the outbursts. my pain lies just under my skin so the moment i get an opportunity to release it in a fit of anger, it comes barreling out. it’s not healthy nor is it ever productive to act in such a way however the years of bottled up resentment and bitterness incessantly beg to be released and in any way possible. rather than talk about it, i scream about it. i've recently decided that in the new year i am going to seek professional help for it. i know i cannot do it on my own and it's much bigger than what my family, friends, or i are capable of managing.

even with the assistance of an outside source, i don't know if i’ll ever be able to get over the betrayal or losses i’ve experienced this last year. i don't know if you just get over such disrespectful behavior from the people closest to you. in these kinds of instances I think slowly but surely you just get on with life. you take things day by day and you learn to move in a new world without them present. sometimes you are able to forgive and forget and sometimes you are just able to forgive and understand but at the moment, i am no where even remotely close to either path.

it’s an inexplainable feeling to be able to live such a happy life all while hurting in the deepest of ways. you would think if you were so happy, no pain would be felt. and if you are hurting so bad, there is no way your life can be good. but i know first hand it’s possible. aside from the distinct causes of my pain, i’m a happy person. I don’t feel the pain every day. i am aware of it’s existence but i dont consciously acknowledge it. if i did i would never progress and i would allow my pain to win. i would allow it to take all of my joy away from me and while it’s no denying it, i can’t just let it eat me alive. i’ve worked too hard to get where i am and i refuse to let anyone or anything take that away from me. in time i will get through the pain and the anger but right now, i have so much be thankful and happy for and to take that for granted would add just another loss to my ever growing list of them.

mint chocolate chip ice cream may be able to take away some of the pain but there is truly nothing like the arms of your mother, the comfort she posses just by being who she is, and the warmth of her voice when you need her love the most. without my mom over these past months and years, i would have never made it to where i am today.

no matter what happened in the past, or what happens in the future, i know without doubt that as long as i have her, everything will be ok.

if you haven't gotten a chance to read Rupi Kaur's The Sun and Her Flowers, click the button below to purchase. also, be sure to subscribe before leaving! there is so much happening in the new year & i don't want you to miss any of it! 

love & light,

e l e v e n