putting a pause on poetry

art by  @friend.of.tom  (IG) x philadelphia, PA

art by @friend.of.tom (IG) x philadelphia, PA

when i first began writing poetry i was heartbroken.

a feeling of heartbreak i had never experienced before and not only had i lost someone i loved but did i have no idea what to make of life moving forward. while i had initiated the split and knew it was best to part ways, i was no where near prepared for the pain or where to begin again.

i always find it funny (but not really) that us women have such a power and gift in our intuition and that when we listen to it, it NEVER leads us in the wrong direction. HOWEVER, when we listen to it and do what it guides us to do, THEN WHAT?

like OK, i broke up with him, i cut ties with this toxic friendship, i had this hard conversation with a family member, i told my boss i think its time i need a raise - BUT NOW WHAT?!

sometimes i wish that if my intuition is going to get me into a confrontation, it would then guide me OUT of the storm said confrontation ALWAYS creates (emoji eye roll face).

during that time though i used poetry as a way to help me express the emotional roller-coaster i was on.

some days the heartbreak, the missing him, the confusion, and the regret was so bad that my hand would literally hurt from writing so long and hard into the pages of my notebooks. other days i would be in a state of understanding, peace, gratefulness for the experience, and even sometimes excitement for my future and i made it a point to write on those days too. i felt it imperative to my journey to document not only the bad days but the good ones too.

i often go back to those writings not only to read the pieces but to see the changes in my actual writing and the shift in my handwriting, the creases in the paper, and the wet marks stained into the pages from my tears on the days i would be crying while writing.

reflection and self-awareness is that much easier when you have a steady reminder of where you came from and how you got to where you are today…

poetry was my saving grace through the worst heartbreak of my life and when i began to post my pieces on instagram, i never thought i would have “met” as many people i did, create the bonds with people that i have, and been able to reach as many people as i have.

my only goal when i created my account was that i want just one person to be able to read my words and go to sleep that night knowing they aren’t alone in this world with their heartache. there is no pain like a broken heart and i NEVER want anyone to feel alone in that pain.

i believe now, two years later, i have achieved that goal, but now i feel like i need to set some new goals and expand my creative mind, my creative dreams, and my creative passions.

which is why i have decided to put a pause on writing and posting poetry on instagram.

for two years i have dedicated my instagram to strictly poetry and while i have been somewhat successful, i feel like i have been put into a box and anyone who knows me or has read a lot of my work, being put in a box/cage is my biggest fear in life.

i NEED to be free.

the very second i feel like something/someone is trying to restrict me or block me from my freedom - i panic and/or rebel (it’s the sagittarius in me).

in a way i feel like poetry is for the heartbroken and the best pieces come from those who are in pain.

when i think of my favorite poems or even my favorite poets, my favorite ones are sadly those with tragic, painful stories. ones that suffered from mental health illness or had substance abuse issues. mental, emotional, spiritual, physical unrest often times forces one to dig deep into the places of themselves they didn’t even know they had which causes them to create such beautiful pieces of art.

and if you pay attention, the most popular poetry posts on instagram are those about some form of heartbreak or pain.

recently i received a comment asking me “what inspires you the most? “ and i responded with “pain” because there has been no greater inspiration in my life than pain. nothing has fueled my fire more than the feeling of thinking i didn’t have anything to burn for.

i personally feel like i need to move forward from poetry at this time because i no longer feel that same kind of pain. there is nothing in my life currently (and i would love for it to stay that way lol) that is affecting me to the level that i can create poetry and touch peoples lives to where i once was able to. i have 100% come through that heartbreak and that period of feeling lost and untrusting of myself. within that period i have grown so much as a human, as a woman, and as a creator and that has inspired me to explore other avenues of ways i can impact and inspire people.

i will never stop writing.

i spent 10 years not writing because i listened to what other people had to say about MY DREAM and MY GIFT. i will NEVER not do what i love to do and i will NEVER stop inspiring and encouraging people to pursue whatever it is they dream to do as well. i will still write poetry whenever i feel inspired to do so and i will share it at that time but my goal now is deeper.

it’s much bigger. it’s more powerful. it’s building tighter connections. it’s creating a bigger community. a family. it’s inspiring others to find their purpose, pursue their purpose, and live their one life the most fulfilling way possible.

and i want people to know that while they are in their own trenches, i too am in mine.

i don’t have my own shit figured out. i’m taking a risk now (and in multiple areas of my life), stepping away from what i’ve gotten used to and what i’m comfortable doing to explore a territory unknown to me and one i’m not even 100% certain on but i’m here.

and i’m doing it.

and i’m doing it because if i don’t i wouldn’t be living my one life to it’s maximum potential and i refuse to spend any more time doing that.

i wrote a poem once that said “even the devil looks pretty in the trenches in the loneliness” and i remember exactly where i was when i wrote it and how i was feeling. i meant it then and i still believe that to this day.

so if we’re going to be in the trenches of life because we chose the path of pursing our life’s purpose then let us unite and support each other and not give the devil company at his table.

i have few worries or concerns about this creative adventure i’m about to embark on and that’s how i know i’m right where i’m supposed to be, doing what i’m supposed to be doing. if i catch myself overthinking something or questioning myself, i know it’s not time to make a move or it’s not the right move to make, but with this i feel at peace. i’ve gone back and forth about this for quite some time but it just never felt like the time was right…until now.

and now is definitely the time.

nothing changes if nothing changes and i used to be so fearful of change.

i used to love monotony and schedules. i used to love the certainty of routine. through the process of healing and self-discovery i realized the only reason i loved routine was because i was scared of myself. i didn’t trust myself with freedom. as i got to know myself and believe in my capabilities as a human and a woman, i was able to build that trust, and now i find myself rebelling against schedules and routine.

now i enjoy flying by the seat of my pants and it actually flows with my personality a HELL of a lot better than being on a schedule did.

change is beautiful and while it’s not always easy, it’s necessary and an integral part of growth and i can’t wait to see what more growth i have in me and what more i am capable of doing!

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i want to thank those who have been here with me since the start of my instagram (october. 2016) and all those who have followed me since then. the love, support, and care you have taken in reading my poetry, blogs, listening to my podcasts, and just the interest you have taken in me as a person is humbling and i am beyond thankful and appreciative of it. you have made my little girl dreams come true and that is something i will remember and take with me for the rest of my life. THANK YOU!

if you haven’t seen yet on IG or my site, the first change i made is that i opened my email list back up! i will be sending out weekly email’s with messages/notes of inspiration/motivation to my subscribers to help those stay on track with their goals, dreams, and to just keep ones mind and spirit in a healthy and positive place. enter your email address below if you would like to receive these messages and become a part of my online family!

love & light,

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