h a p p y . n e w . y e a r !
i don’t know about anyone else but 2017 FLEW by. it hasn’t been the easiest of years to say the least, but it hasn’t been a terrible one either. i was off this last week (the week between christmas and new Years) and i told myself that i was going to spend a solid chunk of my vacation planning out blog posts for january and figuring out the new layout for Tribe and i didn’t do a single ounce of either. i spent my week with my loved ones and catching up with old friends i barely ever get to see outside of the week between christmas and new years. i’m telling you, being an adult is no joke.
so i didn’t get to spend the week planning but i did get to spend an evening looking through my old journals and notebooks. i originally wanted this post to be about the poetry i wrote when i was 15 and 16 however i landed on something a little more fitting in one of my more recent journals.
i actually don’t even remember writing this although it was written just about 2 years ago and i barely remember what happened yesterday. i know during that time of my life i had just (well in november ) begun my 29th year of life and had set out on this journey of not spending the last year of my 20’s doing the same shit i did every other year of them. i was newly “single” (i put that in quotations because i was never really in a relationship but rather a multiple year situationship) and going through the motions of heartbreak as well as feeling excitement about new discoveries.
in the beginning of every year people make lists of things they want to accomplish within the year. professional goals, lifestyle goals, and relationship goals. usually they all have something to do with gaining something (except for those setting out to lose weight) or achieving something they’ve always dreamed of.
however my list is completely different and looking back now, i think it’s because i wasn’t desperate for anything materialistically new but rather, i wanted to feel something new. i wanted to feel better than i ever had before and i certainly wanted to feel better than i was in my then current circumstance. my list wasn’t also goals for the year but goals for my life; things i want to feel before i die.
i am awful at dating anything i write if it is not on some form of electronic device. I barely ever do it and yet i regret not having the date every single time i go to look for one and don’t have one. shockingly this date has a list on it which makes me wonder more just what i was exactly thinking or feeling in the moment that i was writing it.
i’ll include pictures of the entry after but my handwriting is not the easiest to read plus somehow my journal got wet (no idea how) and so all the pages are wrinkly and gross (typical danielle fashion).
a list of things i want to feel before i die:
feel worthy of the truth. X
feel safe within myself. X
feel confident in my journey and all the steps i have taken. X
feel like i am worth the fight.
feel part of a team: not two different units.
feel loved from someone’s core being, like they would be empty without my presence.
feel proud of an accomplishment. X
feel thought of - that my feelings and thoughts do matter (to be considered). X
to never feel alone in love.
to feel adored and admired. X
to feel trusted. X
to feel someone put me before themselves. X
to feel scared and yet alive at a new experience. X
to not feel scared to try new things.
to feel like it is ok to love again.
to feel that all my past hurts was worth a great joy. X
to know what it feels like to be a mother who loves their child.
to feel sexy on my own and not need the confirmation of anyone else to feel it or to be sure that i am. X
to feel the love from my father again. X
to feel safe enough to share my writing with the world. X
to be the person that someone wants forever.
to feel my grandmom’s and uncle’s presence again so i know they are with me and watching over me.
to feel like someone is loyal to me the way i am to them.
to feel lost again. when i feel lost, i am the most motivated and inspired.
to feel what it’s like to have someone come back and and say “i shouldn’t have let you go.”
to feel my dads arms around me. X
to feel genuinely loved for just being me. X
i placed an X next to all of the ones that i have accomplished at this point. looks like i still have a way to go but i feel like the 29 year old me would be proud of the progress i made. knowing where i was then and where i am now is greatly different and for that i am grateful.
when i first read the list i was trying to remember writing it but when i typed them out, all i could think about was how desperate i was to mean something to someone which is a direct reflection as to where i was at that point in my life. during the day i was happy and strong and at night i was miserable and depressed. i so badly wanted someone to take away the pain and confusion until morning when i could go back to being distracted. for years i had based my self worth off of the love and attention of a man and now that he was gone, i was forced into finding my self worth within myself. for as much as i wanted to find it and i was interested in the journey, i was still terrified to make even the slightest step forward especially when doing it alone.
this is one of the many reasons why i love writing - because of its timelessness. no matter how many days may pass, emotions shift, locations change, or people that enter or exit, the words stay the same. they stay in the moment they were written. they freeze time indefinitely and while you may not remember the exact moment you wrote the words, you will always remember the placement you were in your life when they were written. it’s the same feeling you get when looking at pictures from your high school days. you may not remember the exact day the photo was taken but you remember the faces, you remember the bonds, you remember the love frozen in time in the frame.
i’ve decided to make an extension of my original list. i’ve lived a lot and have felt twice as much since that original list was created and there are a few more things i wish to feel before my time is through in this world. at the beginning of 2019 i’ll revisit this to see if i’ve felt any more of of the things on my list and maybe then i’ll have more to add again.
- to feel confident in the decisions i make when it comes to my purpose.
to feel unconditionally in love with myself.
to feel peace in the disconnection of my relationships with loved ones.
to feel an ease within my anger and aggression.
to feel brave when it comes to taking risks.
to feel strong enough to listen to myself when it comes to matters that mean the most to me.
to feel creative enough to keep this journey going.
to feel inspired enough to keep inspiring
to feel motivated enough to keep motivating
to feel proud of myself for failing when doing something everyone told me not to but i did anyway. to feel proud that i followed my own voice and learned instead of following theirs and never knowing.
to feel secure, brave, and strong enough to leave corporate america and pursue my purpose full time.
goals to feel mean more to me than goals to achieve. before we are parents, children, spouses, friends, employees, or strangers to each other - we are human. each and every one of us are human and we have the same set of emotions and responsibilities as humans that we experience and we must cater to them before anything else.
my idea of success does not come in the form of being married with children, living in a big house surrounded by a white picket fence in quite suburbia. it doesn’t involve me being some big CEO in a corporate setting. it doesn’t involve me rolling around in more money than i can handle. my idea of success is being a good human being the carrier of a soul that’s inspiring and heart that’s beating for reasons that don’t involve tangible objects.
my idea of success is to be truly alive and only those who share the same dream understand the feeling i speak of.
wishing you all a happy, healthy, and fulfilling 2018! i hope you defeat everything you set out to conquer and you do it with kindness, respect, and integrity. remember, you are human FIRST and you must always lead as a human!
p.s. be sure to subscribe to my blog before leaving!
love & light,